All of us in some way have experienced the devastation of love gone wrong. We understand the thrice repeated warning of the song “not to awaken love until it’s time” (2:7; 3:5; 8:4).

Three of you probably remember these lyrics:

Where are those happy days, they seem so hard to find
I tried to reach for you, but you have closed your mind
Whatever happened to our love?
I wish I understood
It used to be so nice, it used to be so good

So when you're near me, darling can't you hear me
S. O. S.
The love you gave me, nothing else can save me
S. O. S.

The second verse is particularly applicable to our text today:

You seem so far away though you are standing near
You made me feel alive, but something died I fear
I really tried to make it out
I wish I understood
What happened to our love, it used to be so good
Refrain (Abba, 1975)

S.O.S. is the universal signal of distress. Perhaps, you are experiencing relational distress and you need to send your mate an S.O.S. How is it that things can seem so good and be so right and, then, go badly so quickly? How is that you can be in the middle of good conversation with your mate that ends in an argument? Do such occasions spell “doom” for a relationship? For many this is true. Consider Christine. She wrote:

"I was the child of divorced parents and I must say that my mom tried hard to hold the family together, but I was truly happier when they split. There was a sense of peace in the house and we were all happier. I had the same experience (sadly) in my own marriage…. (http://moms.popsugar.com/Should-Fighting-Couples-Stay-Together-Call-Quits-27332858)

We have to ask, “Will Christine ever be able to have a relationship?” We all bring a subculture with us to a marriage relationship—a way of dealing with conflict, raising children, handling finances, doing meals, doing holidays—that we assume is right. It appears that Christine learned from her parents the way to solve conflict is to run out on the marriage.

Does the embrace make the marriage?

We left our couple in the first section the Song in a loving embrace whispering sweet nothings in each other’s ears. If the Song stopped there, we might have been tempted to think marriage is simply a life of smelling fragrances, eating fruit, and drinking wine, all while being held in loving embrace. Our idea would be the embrace makes the marriage.

Or does the marriage create the embrace?

The Song, however, does not act as if the fall didn’t happen and has no lingering impact on marriage. In this section of the Song, the first signs appear that there is danger in the relationship vineyard. We will see it again, even more intensely later.

The Song confirms that God redeems marriage. There is marital hope. Marriage is for our sanctification. We need sanctifying grace in whatever state we are in—single, married, with children, without children, in our careers, in our leisure—and God intends to sanctify us all. Marriage works for our sanctification.

Each section of the Song, except the last section, opens with the couple separated, which creates a tension in the poem that is overcome in the couple coming together. We are looking at what, I think, is 2 sections of the Song. Although both sections are told from the woman’s perspective, the first section (2:8-17) shows the male seeking the female while the second section (3:1-5) shows the female seeking the male.

The Song answers our marriage problems. Here we have a man and a woman in a monogamous, marriage relationship in a wisdom book of the Bible. Covenant commitment is the heart of this text. My beloved in mine and I am his (2:16a). We want to draw from the imagery the emotional wisdom to feel and walk well in covenant relationship. As Bonhoffer said, It is not love that sustains your marriage, but marriage that sustain your love. This passage shows us how covenant love sustains intimacy in relationship through the stresses and strains of life.

Covenant Love Pursues Intimacy in Relationship 2:8-14; 3:1-3

In these two sections of text, the man pursues his love, his beautiful one (2:10b, 13b). The woman pursues the one whom her soul loves (3:1b, 2c, 3c, 4b). The mutuality and reciprocity of love is a theme of the Song.

Couples are to pursue each other. The responsibility of pursuit does not belong to the male as opposed the female. Both must own it. We must be in constant pursuit of our mates. Love pursues. That is just the nature of it. If you are not pursuing, you are not loving.

It is important to pursue intimacy. I have heard these words again and again from couples in distress, We have grown apart. That is not growth. It is the opposite of growth. Conflict, distance, indifference, disinterest—are relational cues that you need to step up your game. These are reasons to pursue your mate, not excuses to disengage.

We never have to pursue selfishness, conflict, control/domination, criticism, and complaints. These are things we have to fight against. We work so hard at courting—we are understanding, caring, considerate, unselfish, and giving. Somehow we assume after the wedding, the marriage takes care of itself. We are good at weddings, how are we doing at marriage?

His pursuit of her (2:8-13)

Notice his pursuit of her. The participles pile up. He comes. How does he come? Leaping and bounding. He stands. How does he stand? Gazing and looking. She knows he is there, and he knows she knows he is there.

It is interesting that she says, He stands behind our wall (v9b). They are separated. Wall is an excellent metaphor to show that something is not altogether right.

Longing (2:8-9)

The point is that he is pursuing her in spite of what is wrong. He is pursuing her because something is wrong. He wants to see her. He wants to be with her. He is doing everything he can to overcome the barrier between them.

Not long after I met Tammy, I would walk by her house whistling every day after work just to let her know I was walking by. I knew that she was setting their listening for me to come by. I wanted her to come outside and spend time with me.

Every time I have left the house, I have had one overarching goal—to get back home. When we were at MLC before going to the mission field, we had to gather in small groups and talk about ourselves, our lives, and stuff like that. It was like therapy. Jane was the therapist who led our group. She said to me, Tammy is so pretty. I don’t know how you get anything done besides looking at her. She was telling me nothing that I didn’t already know. I have enjoyed looking at her for a long time. I watch her in the morning as she prepares breakfast. I watch her from across the room when we are in a crowd. It makes me want to get past the distance between us. When I look at her, I want to see that she has a sense of wellbeing about us and our lives.

There is a sense of longing in his pursuit.

Inviting (2:10-13)

There is a sense of inviting in his pursuit. Two times her calls her to Arise, my love, my beautiful one, and come away (10b, 13c).

He invites her to be with him. The Song celebrates the physical world, which argues strongly for the goodness and beauty of the physical relationship of the man and his wife. For a 1000 years in the history of the church, marriage was seen as a concession to human weakness. Christians must cultivate a healthy view of human sexuality. We preach, and rightly so, to warn of the evil of sexual immorality, but we seldom hold up the goodness of sex in the covenant of marriage.

The Song shows us the context where the sensual and the erotic are not destructive to soul. In the Song, sex is not about power and dominance. It is about the man and his wife created in the image of God in loving embrace.

His invitation is timely. Alluding to spring, he argues that the time for love has come. The winter is past. Love is the constant spring of the marriage relationship. When you are in love the grass is greener, the birds sing sweeter, and the flowers are more fragrant. Something is right with the world when you are in love.

There is a timely application to the single in this text. The Song values the timing of love (3:5).

Some try to hurry love. They may become promiscuous at a young age and have a string of broken relationships and much hurt. Some may turn to pornography and lead a secret life of indulgence. Like all sin, sexual sin gets worse and worse. What starts as indiscretions, ends up in every kind of sexual sin.

While some try to hurry love, others try to prolong adolescence. Perhaps, they have lots of girls or guys with whom they are their friends, but no serious effort is made to pursue a relationship. You see them with first this guy and then that guy or first this girl and then that girl. Where are people emotionally in this scenario? There was a time when if you saw a guy and gal together, you could assume they were a couple.

It seems that the profile of many guys is they finish college and don’t have any idea what they want to do, don’t have a plan, are undecided about what they believe and what their convictions are, and have no serious relationship with a female but have a lot of shallow relationships. Many males and females won’t commitment because they are thinking, What if something better comes along?

Often gals have planned their weddings their entire lives. They have in mind a profile of the ideal mate. They look around at the world of adolescent men and see no hope for a mate. Perhaps some really good guys are overlooked, pushed out by the ideal man.

What should you look for in a man? What is the ideal man? Does he love the Lord Jesus? Does he have theological convictions? Does he know what he believes? Does he have a plan and is he working toward it? Is he working while he is working toward his plan? Is his plan well thought out? If so, give him a chance. He may not be Prince Charming, but he will make a good husband.

How can a woman attract a man? I turned to the secular world to find out. You will not believe what I found out.

Dress ladylike. Girls who show too much skin attract the wrong kind of male attention.

Act interested. We could call this flirting. Being a flirt is bad. Flirting a bit is good.
Fix him something to eat.

Show interest in what he is interested in

Smile and laugh

Her pursuit of Him (3:1-3)

The pursuit is mutual. Love pursues, and love responds to pursuit. He pursues her; she pursues him. The female is the dominate character in the book. What inspires her pursuit of him?

She recalls his pursuit of her (2:8-15).

Although, in the first section, she is hidden from his pursuit, she is taking it all in. In this entire section, the male does not speak. She is recalling what he has said. She tells us of the sound of his approach and his gazing through the windows (2:8-9). She, also, recalls what he said to her (2:10-15).

She may have acted disinterested and hidden, but she was taking note of his pursuit. Pursue your wives. Don’t be lazy in this area. Obviously, something has put a little distance in the relationship. Don’t let pride get in the way. Lead in the pursuit. She wants you to come after her even if she doesn’t respond at first. She needs to know that you care enough to initiate the pursuit.

She is restless without him (3:1-3).

Some commentators view these verses as a dream. Whether it is a dream or not, she has become restless because of their separation and is seeking the one whom her soul loves (vv 1, 2, 3, 4). In verses 1 and 2, she searched for her mate but didn’t find him. In verse 3, she asked the watchmen if they have seen him. In verse 4, she found him.

Never become content with distance between you and your mate. Don’t try and punish your mate with distance, ignoring his or her advances just for spite. No one faulted her for searching for him. A wife has a license to pursue her mate.

Whose responsibility is it to initiate pursuit? Here you see mutual pursuit. The answer is it is your responsibility to pursue your mate. All waiting, all delay, and all unresponsiveness is born in pride and desires to punish.

What about singles and this idea of pursuit? Is it ok to demonstrate interest in a girl or a guy? Yes. I think it is not only good but also necessary. Here are some thoughts:

Pursuit should be mutual. The kind of pursuit we see is this text is not advisable for singles. You can’t go and stare in the windows at the your love interest.

Show some interest and openness. Young ladies, you will have to be a bit patient with guys. They are not very smart. Little encouragements can go a long way. Guys are afraid of being rejected. Look at a guy and give and encouraging smile. He will think, Did she smile at me? When he looks the second time, smile at him again. He will start to think, She smiled at me.

Start slow. Take some time and get to know each other. Don’t plan the wedding and then try to get to know each other. Slow down. You may find after you get to know each other that you are not right for each other. In this way, you guard your hearts.

Give love a chance. Don’t just shoot a guy or girl down because they don’t meet your profile of the ideal mate. Remember the ideal mate is just that—the ideal. He or she does not exist. If they did, they might not choose you.

You are not needy. Remember you are loved for beyond the love a mate can ever have for you. Don’t let your worth and identity be based on someone choosing you for a mate. God has chosen you for His own. This is where you find definition, worth, and identity. Don’t make and idol of someone else’s approval and choice of you. You are not needy. You are loved.

Covenant Love Recognizes Dangers to Intimacy 2:14-15

Fallen people in a fallen world are besought by dangers to intimacies. In 2:14-15 the pursuit of intimacy directly confronts dangers to intimacy. In verse 14, he calls her to come out of hiding and let him see her face and hear her voice. He wants to look at her because her face is lovely. He wants to hear her voice because her voice in sweet.

There is dispute about who is speaking in verse 15, but whoever is speaking the point is clear. The couple is confronting the eroding nature of relationships in a fallen world. The vineyard is their life together. The little foxes are the spoilers. It’s the accumulation of little things that most often destroys intimacy.

You will never have to work to have dangers to intimacy, but you will have to fight to sustain intimacy. Your mate is not your primary opponent in this fight. You are your primary opponent. You are going to have to fight your own greed, selfishness, and pride to maintain intimacy. I have learned over the years that it takes two people to have a problem in a marriage.

What are some of the jackals that jeopardize intimacy?

Time. You simply don’t have your on mate your schedule. There is work, kids, activities—busyness that leaves you tired with nothing left for your mate. Not to have time can be avoidance.

Pride. You keep waiting on your mate to move first. If both of you are waiting for the other to make the first move, you are at a stalemate. All the while intimacy is eroding.

Personal criticism. I know your mate needs to change. You need to change too. Is this not clear in Ephesians 5? The husband is to love like Christ. He can’t love like Christ. The wife is to submit like the church submits to Christ. The church doesn’t submit like it should. The point is both need to change.

When you address things that need to change in your mate, you must realize your need to change as well. It is the husband loving his wife that changes her. It is the wife submitting to her husband that changes him.

Language has meaning. When you address changes that need to take place in your mate, don’t attack the person address the problem. Talk about how you feel and what your needs are.

Defensiveness. Be willing to look at yourself, willing to consider that you could be wrong. Winning an argument does not make you right. It just makes you a better debater. You don’t want to win arguments in your relationship. It is not about winning. You can win the battle and lose the relationship.

Blame. We love to blame our mates, so we won’t have to work on ourselves. Anytime you are in a position of blaming, you need to repent. Blame is admitting you’re wrong and denying any responsibility for it. It’s like saying that it’s ok to do wrong as longs as it is not your fault.

Personal contempt. This is an intimidation tactic. It is a tactic of belittling your mate to gain advantage. You roll your eyes at your mate and resort to name calling in an effort to wound them into submission. You have no respect for people that you hold in contempt. I think contempt at its root flows from a wounded heart. Deal with your wounds.

Unwillingness to repent and forgive. Don’t keep score. You marriage is not a contest. If you are unwilling to repent and forgive, it calls into question whether you are a believer.

Ask yourselves, what are the foxes in our vineyard? What is destroying our intimacy? Acknowledge them, repent of them, get rid of them, and guard against them returning.

Covenant Love Provides Safety in Intimacy (2:16-17; 3:4)

The woman has responded to the man’s pursuit of her. These texts are primarily about the woman’s response to the man. He has become a place of safety for her. She knows that he will not harm her. The metaphor of 3:4 is about safety in intimacy. The Scripture says to show honor to your wife as the weaker vessel (1Pet. 3:7).

It is a really big deal for a woman to decide to marry a man. Will he love and cherish her? Will he be mean to her? Is he going to be a good leader? What kind of father will he be? Will he do stupid things that will jeopardize their security? Will he protect and provide? You are to be a safe place for your wife.

How does this man in the Song win her trust?

The way he talks to her

She recalls his voice (2:8, 10). We don’t know the names of the lovers in this poem, but we know their pet names. His favorite names for her are my dove, my beautiful one, and my love. She calls him my beloved and him who my soul loves. His words build her up. She needs to hear his kind words. She needs to hear again and again he thinks she is beautiful and she is the object of his desire.

He deals with her fears

He directly addresses all of her fears. He calls on her not to hide behind her fear. Fears are not to be given into but fought against. He deals with the issues that pose a danger to their intimacy.

He is a provider and protector

He has proven beyond doubt that he is a protector and provider. You must be a safe place for your mate.

Her response is to give herself to him without reserve. In 2:16, she gives voice to the covenant reality of their relationship—My beloved in mine, and I am his.

Conclusion:

In the Song and in our marriages, it is covenant commitment that sustains love and preserves intimacy in marriage.

Again we brought to the reality of the gospel. In the power of covenant love, Christ gave himself for us. He has left us with this tangible reminder of His death until He comes again.

"He is Mine, and I am His;" What Covenant is to Intimacy

Watch Video