What does it take for a couple to live together in passionate love till death they do part? Herbert and Zelmyra Fisher were married 86 years. They said, There is no secret to our marriage. We just did what was needed for each other and our family. Marriage is a commitment to the Lord. We pray with and for each other every day.
John and Ann Betar of Bridgeport Connecticut were married 81 years this past November. They said, You learn to accept one another and devote your time and understanding to one another. We always hold hands.
What these two couples say about marriage is not profound. We could sum it up in one word—commitment. Commitment sustained their marriages.
When we last left our couple, they had experienced a rift in their relationship. Would their conflict spell the end of their passion for each other? What sustains passion in marriage for the long haul? Can passion survive the test of time? Are we all doomed to live in passionless marriages? Perhaps, when you first met, you had a passionate attraction for each other. It was effortless. You decided to build a marriage based on the passion you felt.
Life has a way dulling passion over time—there are conflicts, hurt feelings, harsh words, making a living, drudgery of daily life, raising the kids, etc. Almost anything can become a jackal that spoils the vineyard (2:15). On top of these ordinary challenges to romance, we live in a culture where 50% of couples call it quits. When the passion is gone, they think the relationship is over.
Conflict, disagreement, and hurt feelings do not destroy passion in a relationship. Lack of commitment (selfishness) destroys passion. There is only one difference between couples who make it and couples who don’t. Commitment. Some are committed to making marriage not work. Others are committed to making marriage work. How much commitment would it take to carry on an affair or be a porn head? If people put as much effort into making marriage work as they put into not making it work, they would have good marriages.
I want us to see how commitment restores and deepens passion in marriage.
The Song is framed in the language of commitment to the relationship. Three times the covenant formula is used in the Song (2:16; 6:3; and 7:10). I have often quoted Bonhoeffer on this, It is not love that sustains your marriage, but marriage that sustains your love. What he means by this is your covenant, your commitment, will renew, restore, and deepen your passion for your mate.
Our couple had a rift in their relationship over intimacy. They renewed their commitment to each other. Restating their commitment to each other ignited their desire for each other. The repetition of the covenant formula in the Song tells us that commitment fuels, inspires, and entices romance. In 7:10 that is underlined by the amendment of the formula from I am my beloved’s and my beloved is mine to I am my beloved’s and his desire is for me. You see then how commitment and the renewal of it creates desire.
When I say the Song is framed with the language of commitment, I mean that it is the language of covenant that gives all the metaphors meaning in the Song. Every verse in this section and every verse in the entire Song is informed and inspired in the context the commitment of these lovers. Commitment comes before intimacy, creates intimacy, sustains intimacy, and deepens intimacy. Without these refrains of covenant commitment, the Song would be pornographic and unfit for public proclamation. In tasteful, metaphorical language the Song makes the sensual, erotic, and passionate love of a couple holy and edifying for God’s people.
The Hebrew word for desire (tesuqua) in verse 10 is used 3 times in the OT. The other two times it is used to show the devastating effect of the fall. In Genesis 3:16, Eve’s desire would be to rule over her husband. In Genesis 4:7, sin’s desire was to rule over Cain. The use of the word here (in a Garden context) shows that covenant commitment is God’s grace to married couples to battle our selfish desire and turn our hearts passionately toward our mates.
A second refrain in the Song states the language of commitment in a negative way. Three times the daughters of Jerusalem are placed under oath not to awaken love until it pleases (2:7, 3:5, and 8:4). Notice that 2:6-7 is repeated in 8:3-4. In a passionate embrace, the female warned not to awaken love until it pleases. Why? What is the point? She is saying commitment is the only basis of passionate love, lasting love, deepening love. Intimacy without commitment is the enemy of passionate love. You cannot have a relationship without commitment. The basis for any relationship is commitment. Just think about it. It’s obvious.
The basis of all promiscuity is no commitment, no strings attached. There is no possibility of self-giving in promiscuous relationship. These relationships are about using, self-gratification, and objectifying and demeaning people. They are destructive to ourselves and others.
I find the language people use to describe such “third-rate romance low rent rendezvouses” telling. They will say, It meant nothing, as if that is some kind of redeeming quality. Do you hear how pathetic and hopeless that sounds? That is exactly what is wrong with immoral relationships. They have no possibility of meaning. They are demeaning. Another way would we could say this is, I feel nothing. This is relational nihilism. This is less than human. Sexual expression outside of covenant commitment is destructive to the human soul.
Renew your commitment verbally to your mate often. It crates, restores, and deepens desire.
In the previous section, we left the female searching for her mate. He responds to her in this section with a reaffirmation of her beauty and expands his description of her to highlight her uniqueness among women. He is addressing her at the point of her greatest emotional need, her own beauty. She has struggled with her own appearance (1:5-6; 2:1). He has endeavored to affirm her beauty (2:2; 4:1, 7). Now it is time to reaffirm her beauty.
In these verses the male reaffirms what he has already said about her beauty in 4:1-3. This poem, like the poem in chapter 4 is framed with declarations of her beauty (6:4, 10; 4:1, 7). Then almost verbatim he repeats his metaphorical description of her hair, teeth, and cheeks (6:5b-7; c.f. 4:1b, 2, 3b).
You would think that the first thing he would want to talk about would be the details of their dispute. He would want to work that out so that it doesn’t happen again. Take notes guys. That is exactly what he is doing. Only he is doing it in the most effective way.
Repetition in the Song is not about a guy finding a metaphor that works and hanging with it. If you do find one that works, however, I would advise you to stick with it. Repetition is for emphasis and the recollection of setting and mood. He is in effect saying to her, my love for you, my desire for you, my commitment to you has not diminished.
Who really knows what was in her mind in the last section? Perhaps she refused to open the door for him because he was coming home late at night, and she is thinking, you’ve been out checking out all kinds of women and now you come home to me? Forget it! He reaffirms her beauty.
She knows that there are lots of beautiful women out there. Simply telling her she is beautiful and re-emphasizing it is not enough. It is not enough to be beautiful among the beautiful. Her security in her own beauty is rooted what he thinks of her in comparison to other women. Three times she has been called, O most beautiful among women (1:8; 5:9; 6:1). The problem is not whether she is the most beautiful woman in the world. The issue is what separates her from the pack in his mind? What makes her uniquely beautiful in his eyes?
The Song is not a beauty contest. To determine who is the most beautiful woman in the world would be like trying to determine who is the world’s fastest man. In what race? At what distance? Among which men? The Bible warns against such absurdity, Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain (does not last), but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised. (Proverbs 31:30, ESV).
In the Song we have the constant comparing of the female’s beauty to other women (1:5-6 she compares herself; 2:1 she compares herself; 2:2 he compares her; 6:8-10 he compares her). There is also the comparing of the male to other men (2:3 she compares him; 5:10 she compares him; 8:11-12 she compares him). These comparisons are not about how he measures up against other men or how she measures up against other women. Rather, a lot of other women and other men are out there. How does she feel about him and he about her compared to them? Does she think he is the best man? Does he think she is the most beautiful woman? If so, it matters not what anybody else thinks.
He sets out to affirm the uniqueness of her beauty in new ways. He compares her to Tirzah and Jerusalem (6:4). He frames the uniqueness of her beauty with the repeated phrase, Awesome as an army with banners (6:4, 10), which is better translated splendid to look upon. He describes the impact she has on him when she makes eye contact with him (6:5). In 6:8-9, He emphasizes the uniqueness of her beauty among people who know beauty. In verse 9, He switches to the third person as if he is speaking to other women about her beauty. The first two lines of verse 9 begin with the word unique (Unique is she, my dove, my perfect one; and Unique is she to her mother). Three categories of beautiful women praise her beauty (v 9b).
In verse 10, he tells us what beautiful women say about her. They address the clearest expression of her self-doubt (1:5). The unusual word for moon (lebanna) answers her complaint about her sunburnt skin. Dawn is a play on the word black in 1:5. Like the sun she is too dazzling to behold. Like Cinderella, the woman who was ordinary is now extraordinary in her beauty and breathtaking to behold.
What made her so beautiful? His affirmation of her unique beauty. The story is told of an Pacific Islander named Johnny Lingo. He had a reputation for being a shrewd trader. When it came time to marry, he approached the father of girl named Sarita. She was thought by all the Islanders to be plain and homely. Her father was afraid he would never be able to marry her off. Two to three cows were the price for the average bride, 4 to 5 for an extraordinary woman. Sarita’s relatives urged her father to ask for 3 cows and hold out for 2 until he was sure he could only get one. Johnny approached Sam Karoo and said, I’ll give you 8 cows for Sarita. No one on the Island could believe it. They had never heard of such a bride price paid.
A visitor came to the Island and asked to see Johnny Lingo. Everybody that heard the name laughed and told the visitor that Johnny paid 8 cows for Sarita. The visitor went to Johnny’s house. As he talked with Johnny, the most beautiful woman he had ever seen came into the room to serve the men. The visitor was taken by her beauty. When she left the room, the visitor asked Johnny about the story of the bride price. He doubted the woman who had served them was the woman her heard about from the Islanders. He asked Johnny how she could be so different from the way the villagers has described her.
Johnny said, I know the women get together and talk about how many cows their husbands paid for them. I loved Sarita. Imagine how she would feel among the women if I had paid only 1 cow for her. I wanted her to be happy. A lot of things can change a woman, things from without and things from within. She believed she was worth nothing. So that was the image she projected. I wanted her to know she was worth more than any woman on the island. I wanted an 8 cow wife.
Reaffirm the unique beauty of your mate often to deepen passion in your marriage.
The countryside is the place where love deepens in the Song. In the closing verses of the previous section of the Song, the daughters of Jerusalem asked the female where her lover had gone (6:1)? She replied, My beloved has gone down to his garden (6:2). In this text (6:11), she says, I went down…. She is meeting him in the place of their deepest commitment.
At that place, she found her passion once again (6:12). Before she knows what is happening she is swept off her feet. She is so caught up in passion for her man that becomes like a prince to her.
They met in the place of their commitment, not in the place of their disagreement. Some couples seem to get stuck in the place of their division. Don’t let what separates you become the defining element of your relationship. Run to the place of your common commitment, to the place where you delight in each other. Define your relationship by that. A thousand things could be right with the relationship and one thing wrong. We allow that one thing to define our marriage. Why do you want to rally around one point of contention?
This is where the princess kisses the frog, and the prince puts the shoe on Cinderella’s foot. Some people marry a project. That is a disaster. It’s not that we all don’t have things that need fixed. The point is we do. When you marry a project, you are assuming you don’t have anything that needs fixed. It can be a sobering experience, even for those of us who know we are sinners, to realize that there are things about us that annoy our mates. We should all operate from the assumption that we are annoying.
There are things about each of us, however, that are not annoying. There are things that are exciting, things that attracted you to him or her. She is caught up in the excitement and adventure of their relationship. Can you imagine being in a chariot? He is a dangerous man. Don’t be fuddy-duddies.
Where is that sense of adventure in your relationship? You may say, Adventure, I don’t want adventure. I just want a nap. Quit being so lazy. Go home today. Take a sheet of paper. Write on the paper at least 10 adventures you are going to do as a couple, just you—no kids allowed. Trust me on this one. You need a life together that they are not a part of. They are just going to grow up and leave you, and when they get about 30, they are going to start trying to tell you what to do. Your adventures don’t have to be expensive, just kid-less. You may not have to leave the house to do some of them. You could do something as simple as taking a walk together, going out for coffee, or taking a drive. You can bad lip read other people’s conversations for an activity. Hang the list on the frig. Tell the kids that it’s Mom and Dad art. Start working on the list. We have a list, in part because we can’t remember what’s on it, in fact, we have two lists.
Meeting in the place of your commitment will fuel your desire for each other.
Verse 13 has 2 parts. In the first part, the chorus calls on the Shulammite (their designation for the female) to return or turn so they can look upon her beauty. At some point in the wedding celebration, the custom may have been for the bride to dance. Perhaps they are calling on her to dance. In the second part, they question the male (like they did the female, 5:9 and 6:1). He had seemingly addressed the chorus regarding her beauty (6:9). Now they ask him why he wants to look at her dance. Why should you look upon the Shulammite dance of Mahanayim? This question sets the stage for chapter 7. He tells us why he wants to see her dance.
His speech in 7:1-9a comes in two parts that show the impact of his word on him.
7:1-6 is a song of description framed by the declaration of her beauty. Unlike his other descriptions of her beauty in which he starts at her head and works his way down, here he begins with her feet and works his way up. Starting at her feet seems to indicate she is dancing. Her thighs are the work of an artist (v1). She is the daughter of pleasure (v6).
In 7:7-9a he changes from a song of description to a song of desire. He did the same thing in 4:1-15 (4:1-7 is description; 4:8-15 is desire). His words to her impact him as much as they impact her.
While he is mesmerized by her dance, describing her beauty and yearning for her, she interrupts his speech and finishes it for him (v9b). She used wine as a metaphor for his kisses (1:2). Here he uses the best wine as a metaphor for her kisses. She repeats his desire for her, and her commitment to him (vv9b-10). Don’t underestimate the power of words to impact you and your mate.
Commitment once again has fueled passion. She calls on him to come away with her to the countryside (7:11-13). He had called on her to come away with him (2:10, 13). She answers him here. In verse 12, she gives three reasons to go to the countryside and one line to clarify her intentions.
In the previous section, the doors were locked (5:2-5). In verse 13, the doors are draped with fruit. She not only wants to revisit old expressions of passion, but she want to explore new expressions of desire.
Don Carson said, Kindness is the greatest aphrodisiac there is.
She longs to express her commitment publicly. She has already been chastised for her public display of affection for her man (5:7). In some cultures, affection cannot be displayed publicly. People can show affection for family because it is not sexual. I lived in a country where I had known some people for years before I ever knew their mates. They did not sit together during church, and they did not talk together after church.
She was taught appropriate expressions of passion by her mother. Perhaps many of us were not taught how to dress appropriately or relate to members of the opposite sex appropriately. We live in a culture that wants to throw off all restraint. Because of that we live in a culture that invents idioms like, Get a room. Don’t do it. Don’t cheapen your mate and yourself with inappropriate expressions of affection. (Coach Lewis)
If you are dating, there are appropriate ways to express your affection for each other and inappropriate ways. 1.) Keep your hands off of each other. I went to college with a couple that was dating and planned to get married. I was glad when they did. What was interesting was the PDA stopped after marriage. Commitment should fuel passion. They got commitment and intimacy out of order. Listen, if your can sit around with your hands all over each other and maintain pure thoughts and feelings, you need to talk to one of the pastors. 2.) Date in groups; don’t be alone in secluded places. 3.) Set your boundaries before you need to.
Moral and cultural conventions are important for the expression of affection. This is one of the themes of the Song. How can affection be expressed publicly? In the most tasteful, tactful way express you affection, realizing that taste and tact do not cheapen them—kind words, careful treatment, adorning glances.
How you treat your mate publicly will cultivate respect for you mate in the eyes of others, communicate a sense of worth, and deepen affection. We learn from the Song to always speak well of your mate—it impacts how you view your mate, how others view your mate, and how your mate views herself/himself.
As we come to the table today, we come to a tangible expression of the God’s demonstration of His love for us.