I recently read a book that tells of an eleven-year-old kid, nicknamed “Yummy,” living in Chicago who killed a fourteen-year-old kid and then was killed himself. And when I read it I just went right on until I read the last part of this line, “Then Yummy himself was executed – and buried with his teddy bear.”¹ That line stopped me dead in my tracks because I realized how these killers were just little boys. And it got me to thinking, “How in the world does the church even begin to make a dent in this kind of evil?”

Well, I believe one way is by learning and living out what God’s intended design is for the family. For bypassing this question in our attempt to stop children killing one another is probably much like trying to stop divorces while the couples are in court while skipping the opportunity we have for ministry as nearly 75% of marriages are occurring in churches.² Both are needed, but the front end of these things is not less necessary than the urgent situation we find at the end of them.

For kids killing kids in the street is the end of a rejection of God’s design for families and societies. We cannot go in and command people in a community who are lost to live up to God’s design if they are not believers. However, we can show them the antithesis of such disaster in our modeling of family according to God’s design alongside of them. And for some of us our neighbors will be kids in gangs while for others our neighbors will be single mothers with teenage kids who scream obscenities at their mom constantly, but in both we will be able to grab their attention in modeling familial and social relationships correctly.

Therefore, we now turn to a crucial section in the book of Ephesians as Paul talks about how Christians function in relationships, especially in the family. And we begin this morning, looking at Ephesians 5:21-33, with marriage.

Marriage has a perfect and intentional design, for it was instituted to teach us about Christ and his church

One of the most remarkable things I realized a little over a year ago as I sat in meditation upon the latter verses of Ephesians 5 was that the design of marriage was an intentional one. That is to say, marriage wasn’t set up because it just made sense or because we were simply relational people. Rather, the idea of marriage (of one man and one woman being joined together in a monogamous relationship for life) was a carefully crafted institution, for it was meant to teach us something about Christ.

From verses 22 on in chapter 5, Paul has been talking about the roles of husbands and wives and comparing that relationship to Christ and the church. Then he quotes Genesis 2:24 in verse 31, writing, “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.”

Now that’s not an odd statement, for he is quoting a text dealing with the institution of marriage. For if you look back at Genesis 2:24, you find that it is immediately after Adam sees his wife and exclaims, “This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called woman because she was taken out of man” (Genesis 2:23). Therefore, he is clearly referencing a text where marriage started, specifically dealing with Adam and Eve’s union. What is confusing, however, is his statement immediately after this reference. Paul writes in verse 32, “This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church.”

So if you follow what he’s saying here, he’s saying nothing short of this: “Genesis 2:24 is referring to Christ and the church.” But how can that be? For it is absolutely clear if we turn back to Genesis, where Paul is quoting, that in context it is speaking of Adam and Eve’s marriage. So how does he now quote that verse and say that he is speaking of Christ and the church?

Well, the key is in the wording of verse 32, for Paul calls it a “mystery.” And if you look to see how Paul uses “mystery” throughout Ephesians, we see that it is something declared in generations past that really doesn’t make sense until Christ comes on the scene. Therefore, Paul writes in Ephesians 3:1-6, “For this reason … you have heard of the stewardship of God’s grace that was given to me for you, how the mystery was made known to me by revelation, as I have written briefly. When you read this, you can perceive my insight into the mystery of Christ which was not made known to the sons of men in other generations as it has now been revealed to his holy apostles and prophets by the Spirit. This mystery is that the Gentiles are fellow heirs, members of the same body, and partakers of the promise in Christ Jesus through the gospel.”

For example, Genesis 22:18 tells us that God said to Abraham, “In your offspring [or seed] shall all the nations of the earth be blessed because you have obeyed my voice.” But that doesn’t make sense, does it? How can all the nations of the earth, even non-Jewish nations, be blessed through Isaac, Abraham’s son? It is a mystery that doesn’t make sense for generations. Then, however, with the coming of Christ and his death, burial, and resurrection we see the mystery now made clear. For Paul writes in Galatians 3:16, “Now the promises were made to Abraham and to his offspring. It does not say, “And to offsprings,” referring to many, but referring to one, “And to your offspring,” who is Christ.” Therefore, we see that the seed (or offspring) of Abraham through whom all the nations would be blessed was not Isaac but Christ, who did come from Abraham’s line. And all who place their faith in Christ are sons of God (Galatians 3:24-29). The promise didn’t make sense until Christ came.

In the same way, Paul is telling us in Ephesians 5:31-32 that this designed relationship of one man and one woman being joined together in an intimate relationship for life remained a mystery for generations. Why would God set that up? Why the marriage relationship? Then he tells us in 5:32 that it was speaking of Christ. That is to say, marriage was set up intentionally to give us a picture of what the relationship is like of Christ and his church. God wanted us to have a picture in front of our eyes of what the relationship is like between Christ and his church, so he designed marriage.

Therefore, even marriages between unbelievers, if lived rightly should show us Christ and his church because that was what the marriage relationship is modeled after. What a calling then to join together with another in the relationship of marriage! But this also means that we have specific and crucial responsibilities.

Therefore the husband takes his role of modeling Christ in relationship to the church and the wife takes her role of modeling the church in relationship to Christ

Husbands, in the relationship of marriage, you are modeling Christ’s love toward his church. I am not saying that you should model that; I am saying that you are modeling Christ. You may model Christ well or poorly, but you will give a model to the world of who Christ is. That is the reason the position of husband was created. Therefore, Paul makes statements such as in 5:23, “For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church” (emphasis added). There is no “ought to” with Christ being the head of the church, therefore there is no “ought to” with the husband being the head of his wife. He is the head of his wife. Therefore, husbands, we are the heads of our home, even as Christ is the head of the church, so let’s represent Christ rightly.

But what does that mean we are to do? It means according to verses 25-30 that we are to love our wives as our own bodies, being willing to die for her if only to ensure that she walks in holiness. We should rather die as we labor pouring the word into our wives so that they might be holy. We should take responsibility for our wives’ holiness, for we will give an account for them, as their head. Husbands, don’t let your wives sin thinking you will not be held responsible, for even as Christ ensures the holiness of the church, so we will give an account for our wives.

Women, in the relationship of marriage, you are modeling the church’s response toward Christ. Therefore, you are to submit to your husband (5:22) and respect him (5:33). I know that the present worldview is that the idea of submission in the home by wives toward their husbands is outdated and just plan wrong. But the Christian worldview is that God has revealed himself, his truth, and his commands in the Scripture and that we must obey them at all costs, understanding it is right and best. Therefore, wives, if you are not submitting to your husbands and not respecting your husbands, you are sending a message to the world that the church needs not submit to Christ and respect him.

Both the husband and the wife should be able to preach the gospel in their marriage, so that if we are asked how Christ loves us, we should be able to show them such love in our love for our wives, and if we are asked how the church responds to Christ, wives should be able to show them in their submission and respect for their husbands. For marriages will always be saying something. May our marriages say what is true – both about Christ and his church.

But what do we do when our spouses are not modeling their roles properly?

What I mean is, what if our wives are not lovable and our husbands are not respectable? If this is the case, then we need to realize that the commands of Christ in your home are not dependent on your husband or wife. That is to say, if your husband is not respectable, should you respect him? Yes, for Christ commands it. And if your wife is not lovable, should you love her? Yes, for Christ commands it. The heading of this entire section is verse 21, namely, “ … submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ” (emphasis added).

Now, yes, wives, do not submit to your husband if he commands you to sin, but anything that is not sin falls under the commands of Christ in Ephesians 5:22-33.

One of the things that disgusts me most are Christian wives not submitting to and respecting their husbands and Christian husbands not loving their wives. And one of the things that I love most are Christian wives submitting to and respecting their husbands and Christians husbands loving their wives. And I think all of our reactions should be the same if we truly love our Lord and understand the nature of the institution of marriage. Therefore, may we have marriages that correctly preach the gospel.

But I want to end this sermon answering one other question:

What if you’re single?

For not being married doesn’t mean you cannot labor to show the world what Christ is like. So how do you respond to a text like Ephesians 5:22-33? Let me give you three exhortations.

1) Establish your commitment to obey Christ’s word should you one day be married.

Determine right now that if you are one day married that you will obey these commands in Ephesians 5:22-33. Determine right now that you will love God more than you will even love the spouse he sends you. For if you don’t, you will depend on your spouse’s worthiness of you obeying these commands instead of your love for Christ who commands you to obey him despite the worthiness of your spouse.

It is presently the exception that marriages clearly reflect husbands and wives understanding and obeying their roles and the commands of Christ. But I pray that exception will begin to turn into the norm.

2) Pray and labor for marriages that rightly depict the relationship after which they were modeled.

It is often easy for us to realize that we need to pray and labor for marriages when divorce is being discussed or they are going through “hard times.” But in the Christian community, we are called to labor and pray for one another at all times. Therefore, pray for present marriages and seek how you may stir those in marriage on to obedience to the commands of Christ.

3) Devote “free” energies to knowing and obeying God and his commands.

Finally, Paul tells us that if we are single, we have more opportunity to devote our time to serving Christ than those who are married. Therefore, be obedient and labor in serving Christ and ministering to his body. It will be a shame if you one day find yourself married only to look back and realize you wasted the opportunity of time your presently posses.

To married and single people alike …

I have a dream of a community that I want my children to witness. I want my children to know that the church is a community from whom they seek blessing as they are seeking to be married, for they know the community is praying for them spouses should they believe God has called them to marriage and for strength, contentment, and joy should they feel that God has given them the gift of celibacy. I want them to know that this practical area of life isn’t an exception to our mission but that his or her brothers and sisters at Cornerstone Community Church are laboring to watch him or her live and think about marriage rightly. But a community like this is made up of individuals who understand God’s word rightly and long to obey it, modeling it before the rest of the body and the world. Therefore, as we close, pray that God would make you as an individual in this body one who would think rightly about marriage and long to obey his commands in light of this.

May God grant our dreams, inasmuch as they are in accordance with his word and magnify his name. Amen.

¹ Ray Bakke, A Theology As Big As The City (IVP: Downers Grove, 1997), 54.

² David P. Gushee in lecture at Union University, Spring 2000.

MARRIAGE: A CAREFULLY CRAFTED INSTITUTION