Today I am going to address something that I know touches home with many of us. It is something about which we pray on Sunday nights, teach in our Sunday School classes, and labor against. And because I realize at least a portion of the magnitude of the topic, I am going to devote at least one Sunday a year to speaking about it, while no doubt mentioning it at other times as well.
Rich Mullins wrote in his song Hold Me Jesus, “Sometime my life just don’t make sense at all, when the mountains look so big and my faith just seems so small.” Many of us no doubt feel that way when addressing the problem that I am going to address today. Namely, it is divorce.
We know God’s thoughts on the subject, for in Malachi 2:16, God says, “I hate divorce.” God hates divorce, and in a little while I want to show you some of the reasons why God makes this statement. And yet, despite of God’s thoughts, divorce has grown rampant in our society.
Before the mid sixties, two in every one-thousand marriages ended in divorce. Today, two in every four marriages reportedly end in divorce. And lest we think we are looking outward, the Church has equaled the world in this number. And, lest we think it is simply we as Americans who are spoiled and, therefore, more evil than others, in 1917 in the Soviet Union, while divorce was “no-fault,” either person may request, easy, speedy, and inexpensive, ten in every twenty-two marriages ended in divorce. America’s statistics were way below that number in 1917.
Every member involved in divorce suffers. A lady by the name of Walerstein interviewed various children of divorce over a thirty year period. Without exception every one of them considered their parent’s divorcing to be their most important childhood experience. Children recall the feeling of “strangers at the breakfast table” instead of Dad or Mom. Many of the children involved in divorce record feeling like a kid walking through life observing a feast he or she has not been invited to attend.
Jason Miller (a friend of mine) writes, “We know that children love monotony. They love to wear the same outfit, read the same book, watch the same movie, play the same game, tell the same joke, sing the same song, go to the same restaurant over and over and over again, but divorce destroys the stability and security of knowing what comes next. For the children of divorce, change is the only constant. In the end, it is they who bear the brunt of the emotional, psychological, and physical amputation of their families. They are scarred for life by the very people who are responsible for their protection.” And with that, I think we feel a part of the reason why God says, “I hate divorce.”
But today divorce appears to be something with which the Church has dropped the ball. We have, on the one hand, forgotten that grace extends to those who have suffered divorce. Even our own brothers and sisters fear walking into the church when people know they have been a part of divorce. Murderers might feel more comfortable walking into a gathering place for Christians than one who has even been a victim of divorce. And we have come up with the idea that divorce, differing from every other sin (even when a victim of divorce) carries with it spiritual consequences. Now, I am not condoning sin (which I hope is apparent by my opening), but we must not forget the grace which Christ has shown us. And do not forget His words to a woman caught in the very act of adultery. He absolutely told her to sin no more, but He also said, “Neither do I condemn you.”
On the other hand, we have not battled against divorce whatsoever. We have merely sat by while it has infiltrated our entire society. And lest we forget, by using the analogy of salt, Jesus was saying that we as the Church are to be slowing the decay process around us.
We, the Church, have become what one author calls “blessing machines” (McManus, Marriage Savers). We simply put our stamp of approval by agreeing to administer in every marriage while then wondering later why divorce is so rampant.
And let me also point out, in case you think the Church is helpless against this, that as of recent years, seventy-five percent of weddings took place in the Church, and many more by ordained ministers. In fact, recognizing this, the state of Louisiana instituted a few years back something called “covenant marriage” (as if there is any other kind) where the individuals agreeing to do a covenant marriage would have to go through so many weeks of counseling, would have to delay a certain number of weeks so as not to marry hastily, and would have to agree that divorce would not be a option they would reasonably consider. The state’s hope was that churches would jump on board and say that they would only do “covenant marriages” and a battle could begin against divorce. As of only a few months back, on two percent of the churches in Louisiana had made such a statement. As has been said, we appear to only be blessing machines wondering why divorce is so rampant among us.
And yet some may ask, what can we as a church do? I want to make a proposal this morning as to what I think is the best way the people of God can fight against divorce. However, before I get to it, let me list a few others.
We definitely need to come up with a marriage policy as a church (and I am currently working on one). We need to determine the kind of standards we will hold to in doing wedding ceremonies and battle against divorce before marriages even begin.
We need to preach and teach on the subject in order that we may be reminded of why it is a sin.
We should pray for marriages, and pray for those who have been involved in divorces and for their children.
We should take days to fast and pray that God would sweep His hand in this country and turn our families into stable environments the way God intended.
Yes, we need to do all these things in our battle against divorce, and yet I think we have still not mentioned what is the most powerful thing that we as the body of Christ can do. The most powerful thing we can do lies in our own marriages.
I am going to read a passage from Ephesians, give you my thesis for the best way we can battle against divorce, give you five reasons why I think it is the best thing we can do, and then I’ll be done.
The passage is Ephesians 5:25-30.
Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her, 26so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, 27that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy and blameless. 28So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself; 29for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church, 30because we are members of His body.
Now, here it is. The best way to battle divorce is by those Christians who are married serving and savoring their marriage partner for a lifetime. Now, let me say, this must always be coupled with prayer (and even fasting), so the single person is never powerless. However, let me tell you why I think what I said is true.
1) It is commanded by God. Ephesians 28-30 reads, “So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself; for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church, because we are members of His body.”
Do you see the words there? He says, comparing marriage to our bodies, that we are to nourish and cherish our spouses. Do you hear those words, nourish and cherish? I believe the fact that those words are absent from our mouths when speaking of marriage is one reason divorce is so rampant among us. We are to serve and savor our husbands and our wives. God commands it.
And, as always, if God commands it, it is the best way to do it. “God’s paradigm for the family still works best. His plan for one man and one woman to enter the one flesh relationship which is pleasurable to both, and produces offspring that are loved, nurtured, provided for, and protected, is the best way to build a healthy family and society” (Jason Miller).
In fact, by doing this, you love yourself greatly. Paul said, “He who loves his wife loves himself.” He knew that it worked best. I was looking at a book the other day appropriately titled, Do Yourself a Favor, Love Your Wife. That’s what Paul is saying. So, first of all, it is a great way to battle because it is commanded.
2) The world and the Church are looking for examples to follow. They are crying for it. Nobody’s dream is to grow up marry and divorce, marry and divorce, and marry and divorce. Nobody in his or her right mind wants to do that. But they don’t know how to avoid it because they are not seeing it anywhere.
It would be different if the Church was showing all these amazing marriages while the world was divorcing one after another, but that is not the case. We mirror them, and therefore they think we have nothing to offer. But we do. It is a beautiful picture to see two Christians together who are serving and savoring one another. Everybody will want what they have. That’s what it means to be the light of the world, a city that cannot be hid.
And God has given us the secret. Serve and savor your spouse and it will be like serving and savoring yourself. I bet few Christians nourish and cherish their spouse. So few is it that when we find a couple that is doing it and cannot fathom being apart from one another, we are amazed.
The world is wanting to see it. Let’s trust God’s word and show it to them. As we do this we will not find ourselves going out to battle divorce, struggling couples will be running to us, wanting to know our secret.
3) An explanation of my choice of words: there is more to love than commitment. Yes, there is a great problem when men seek their happiness at the expense of others. And today it seems like much of the problem with divorce is that people are appealing to emotion by saying that they did not feel happy, and therefore they divorced their spouse. And that is horrible.
However, it does not make emotion or seeking one’s happiness evil. There is a balance in the mind and the heart, and yes we must commit to our spouse for a lifetime, but we must not let it be an emotionless commitment. We cannot simply serve our spouse, but we must (oftentimes emotionally) savor our spouse as well (refer to 1 Corinthians 13:3 to see an example of service without love).
We must find our happiness in his or her happiness. That is love—not emotionless commitment. And the more we savor, the more we will love. I say that by dealing with my relationship with Christ (who served as the model for marriage) and by looking at long-married coupled who have served and savored one another for a lifetime.
The world is not looking for long-lasting marriages in which both parties are miserable, but for long-lasting marriages where both parties are joyful. And that is only found (according to this passage) in loving your spouse, for “He who loves His wife loves Himself.” So, if you are struggling to find your joy in the joy of your spouse, pray for them, serve them, and cherish and savor them as gifts from God.
4) We reflect Christ and His Church. In marriage, we have the privilege of showing the world what love Christ has for His Church. Therefore, we should not be struggling to evangelize. I do not know of a better introduction for the gospel than for a couple to ask you how to love one another as you and your spouse love one another.
And why is it such a great introduction? Because we can say that we are just imitating the way Christ loves His Church. And how did He do that, by serving her in laying down His life and by savoring her in purifying her (for Himself) with His blood. And isn’t that the gospel?
By serving and savoring our spouse, we are constantly showing forth the gospel to a world that will die and know the wrath of God for eternity unless that hear it and accept it.
5) We glorify God when we do this. At Christmas time I have to hit up stores like Toys-r-us because I have three nieces and a nephew. And, therefore, I look around until I find something I think they might like and/or fits into my budget. And when they open that gift on Christmas day, I don’t beam with joy if they take it and cast it aside. Rather, I am brought joy from them when they take my gift and they enjoy it as was its intent.
In the same way, God has granted me a wife as a gift from Him. And I know that what brings Him great joy is not when I love the gift more than Him nor when I refuse to enjoy her (even in the name of loving God), but I glorify God when I enjoy the gift that He has given me by nourishing and cherishing her as the gift from God that she is. And I thank God for her daily.
Brothers and sisters, that is not only the case for me. So let’s bring glory to God and, consequently, fulfill the purpose of our existence. And let men see your good works, for in doing so, they will glorify your Father who is in heaven.