In a sense, I believe that the sermon this morning is the sermon for which I was created, at least at this point in my life. For I am a preacher and the pastor of this church, but above all that, I find great delight in being a husband. And the reason I find such great delight in being a husband is because of the theological foundation and content which Scripture provides for understanding what marriage is. Therefore, the reason I say that this is the message for which I was created (again, at least at this point in my life) is because I get to combine my passion for preaching and my delight in being a husband.
And I pray that as we look into the theological foundation for and content of marriage this morning from our text in Ephesians 5 that you’ll see why I have included this message in a series in which I am looking at worship. For I believe that for those who are married, their marriage lived out rightly is quite possibly the pinnacle of their worship of God in living lives of obedience.
But what does the Bible teach us about marriage? It is this that I want us to see this morning, as well as how we must live in light of that. And our text teaches us that …
In a sense I want to work backward in our text this morning, for I believe that Paul bases all of his exhortations on a point that he reveals in verses 31-32.
Now up until this point, he had been talking about the roles of husbands and wives, and he is encouraging husbands to love their wives as their own bodies when he quotes Genesis 2:24, writing, “Therefore, a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife and the two shall become one flesh” (5:31). And the mere quoting of this verse in talking about marriage shouldn’t strike us as strange, for it is speaking of the first marriage – that which God established between Adam and Eve. What is strange, however, is that Paul writes of that verse, which clearly comes after Adam and Eve are brought together, saying, “This mystery is profound and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church” (5:32).
What’s he saying here? What is the mystery? How can he say that it refers to Christ and the church when it very clearly seems to build on the marriage of Adam and Eve, with no mention to Christ or his church? These might be some of the questions that are running through our minds.
Well, to understand what he’s saying we must first understand that when Paul uses “mystery” he is speaking of that which was hidden for generations but that is now made clear in Christ. For example, for generations it was a hidden mystery how God would allow the blessings of the promise (i.e., the covenant) to come to those who were not Abraham’s descendants (i.e., Jews). However, Paul points out in Ephesians 3:4-6, “When you read this, you can perceive my insight into the mystery of Christ, which was not made known to the sons of men in other generations as it has now been revealed to his holy apostles and prophets by the Spirit. This mystery is that the Gentiles are fellow heirs, members of the same body, and partakers of the promise in Christ Jesus through the gospel.”
That is to say, Christ clears up the mystery. Abraham had been promised that all the nations would be blessed through his seed, Christ is the seed of Abraham, and all who are in Christ (who repent and place their faith in him as their Lord) are Abraham’s spiritual descendants. Thus the mystery of how the Gentiles could be included in God’s promise to Abraham’s descendants is made clear with the appearing of Christ.
And in the same way, Paul refers to this reality that the man is to leave his father and mother and join himself to his wife as a mystery that is referring to Christ and the church. Therefore, understanding Paul’s use of mystery, I think that he is saying that the reason God ordained marriage even from the beginning was not because it was an afterthought upon seeing Adam’s loneliness or that it was something formed haphazardly, but rather that marriage (this mysterious bond of man and wife) was created by God because it was to be a picture of the relationship that Christ would have with his church. And for generations the reason for marriage was not revealed until Christ came and called his people to himself.
So, just as Christ is so very much one with his church that we are called his body and yet he is distinct from us (we are not Jesus), marriage is pictured as the man and wife become one flesh and yet are not one another. Marriage is given as a picture of the relationship between Christ and his church.
Therefore, everything we do in marriage and simply being married is reflecting Christ and his church and therefore must be an act of worship. So what does this reality mean for marriage.
Well, for one, it has implications for the nature of marriage. For marriage was modeled based on the relationship of Christ and his church, and one of those implications is in the nature of a husband.
Now understand here that what I am saying is not, “Husbands ought to be heads of their wives,” for that is not what the Scripture says. Rather, the Scripture says, “The husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church” (5:23 – emphasis added). That is to say, this is not how marriage should function, it is a part of what marriage is in its nature – the man is the head of his wife. Or to put it another way, part of the definition of marriage is the husband’s headship. It’s the very nature of what marriage is.
Therefore, men, you do not have a choice as to whether or not you will be the head of your wife. You are the head of your wife. You might be a poor head, but her head you will be. You are in a position of inescapable leadership. God made you male and female so that you might lead, and even if you try to abdicate that leadership it will still be true that you are leading; you will simply be leading poorly.
One author has said, “Arguing with the fact of the husband’s headship is like jumping off a cliff in order to quarrel with the law of gravity. Marshall the arguments on the way down however one likes, he will eventually find himself refuted in a messy way.”1 And I believe this is the same is discussing whether or not the husband leads. It is not a discussion; the only discussion is how he leads. Thus we need men to understand when they take an oath at their wedding that they are taking an oath to be responsible for their home.
Therefore, my prayer is that in accordance with the Scripture, we would have homes where men lead well, feeling the responsibility of giving an account for their household and that these kind of families might then fill our churches.
But not only does the fact that marriage is created to be a picture of Christ’s relationship to his church affect the nature of what marriage is, it also affects what husbands and wives do. For each of us are called to specific duties.
Paul writes, “Wives submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord” (5:22). He goes on, “Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands” (5:24). And finally he ends writing, “Let the wife see that she respects her husband” (5:33).
Wives are called to submit to and respect their husbands. But why? Paul writes, “For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church.” (5:23). That is to say, because the husband is responsible for you, you need to submit to him. It is much like the manager giving an account for the work done: because he must give an account, those employees whom he oversees must submit to him. The same is for wives. Also, it is because the wife “plays the part” of the church in marriage. Her role is to show forth the church in relation to Christ; therefore, she is to submit to her husband as the church submits to Christ. And this is a good thing for a wife because it is a protection for her. She does not have to get into challenges with other men, she must simply submit to her husband, and he is the one who may stand.
And the wife is also called to respect her husband. Now, yes, women are to love their husbands if for nothing else because we are to love our neighbors as ourselves. However, the explicit command here to the woman is not to love her husband but to respect him. And my guess is that this is often a harder command than simply to love him, for women seem very good at self-sacrificial love. But know that if you come home, care for him, love him, serve him, and have no respect for him that you are being disobedient to the Scripture.
But you may say, “Yes, but he deserves no respect, for he is not a good husband.” Well, in the words of one Christian author, “It is good for us to remember that God requires our spouses to render us far more than any of us deserves.”2 Therefore, we must remember that you respect your husband not because he’s earned it but because it’s commanded.
But women aren’t the only ones commanded in this text.
We’ll break this apart to show each way in which a man is called to love his wife. First, in verses 25-27, Paul writes, “Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish.”
Husbands, if you are to love your wives as Christ loved the church, then this means that you are to do everything within your power to ensure your wife’s holiness, even to the point of laying down your life. You must understand that to say, “Yeah, she has a problem with gossip” or something like that is a condemnation to you as much as it is to her, for you are to be laboring to ensure her holiness. And yet there is more that we must do to imitate Christ’s love for his church.
In verse 26, Paul specifically mentions that he “cleansed her by the washing of water with the word.” Therefore, men, you are to know and speak the Word of God to your wives.
In 1 Corinthians 14:35, Paul writes, “If there is anything they [wives] desire to learn, let them ask their husbands at home.” Among other things, what this verse entails is that husbands must know the Word of God, for Paul expects the Corinthian wives to be able to ask their husbands questions and receive answers about the Scripture. So, husbands, learn and teach the Word in your home, and if you are asked a question you don’t know, labor to find out the answer that you might faithfully teach in your home.
Finally, husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. Paul writes, “In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body” (5:28-30).
Love her as you love yourself. This means that to put her down should seem to you like the most foreign and strange idea that you have ever heard. Build her up, even as you like to be built up yourself. Serve her as you like to be served. Sacrifice for her good as you like others to sacrifice for yours. Don’t let the kids backtalk her, just as you wouldn’t allow them to backtalk you: remember, she is one flesh with you. And talk well of her to others, for again, you are one flesh, and also her life and holiness is your responsibility.
In short, men need to be men again. We’ve settled for so much less than what the Bible calls us to do and be responsible for, and we need to repent and change (and I say “we” intentionally). For unless we are worshiping God in the setup and rightful living in our home, then he is not going to be worshiped rightly outside of it. Therefore, may we have homes and marriages that magnify our Lord in preaching the gospel through our lives.
And for the unmarried, dedicate your time to serving our Lord in serving his people, for singleness allows much time. And for the single women, allow the elders to be responsible for you, for we are required to give an account for your souls (Hebrews 13:17).
Our marriages will speak of Christ, it is an opportunity to worship. So as we gather on Sunday mornings, let’s enter from these kinds of homes and function as he has designed his church, so as to glorify him.