Something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue, and a silver sixpence in your shoe. All cultures have their own wedding customs and superstitions. I am not sure we understand why we do what we do at weddings, but anything out of the ordinary causes unease. A few fringe people will tie the knot while skydiving, but the rest conform to the cultural norm. Think of it. What moves us to decorate a couple’s car with writing on the glass, cans tied to strings, and other annoying surprises? We don’t do that any other day of the year. To do so would be unacceptable. Yet, on the most significant day of two people’s lives, we are obligated and eager to mess with the getaway car. It can become a mind game with savvy grooms and brides arranging an alternate wedding carriage to throw off the decorating committee. The cultural function, I suppose, of this crazy activity is to show honor to the couple and approval of their union.
Ancient Hebrew weddings were no less strange. The wedding party on the appointed day would go to the bride’s house to retrieve the bride and bring her to the groom’s house. The marriage was consummated on the first day of the wedding festivities and the celebration continued for 7 days. Jewish tradition likened the couple to a queen and king. Weddings were joyous occasions. There was eating and drinking and singing. While we can’t be certain, the Song was probably used during that 7 day celebration. It is a wedding Song. There is a male voice and a female voice and a chorus.
Perhaps, for example, the female voice sang: “Let my beloved come to his garden, And eat its choicest fruits.” The male voice responded: “I came to my garden, my sister, my bride…” The chorus enjoined: “Eat, friends, drink And be drunk with love!”
At the center of the Song is a wedding. We have to remember that we are dealing with poetry not a historical account. You can’t read the Song and learn how ancient Israelites did weddings. You can, however, see wedding and marriage language in this central section of the Song that is present nowhere else in the Song. For example, 3:11 uses the word wedding for the first and only time in the book. In 4:8-5:1, the word bride is used 6 times and nowhere else in the Song (4:8, 9, 10, 11, 12; 5:1).
The center of gravity of the Song is 4:16-5:1. These verses seem to celebrate the consummation of the marriage covenant. There are 111 lines of poetry leading up to these verses and 111 lines after these verses. All of this indicates that the heart of the Song is marriage. It is a celebration of the faithful commitment of a man and a woman in marriage.
Obviously, you can’t have a marriage without a wedding. You can, however, have a wedding and not have a marriage or, at least, not a good one. For all the decorating and traditions and celebration, weddings don’t make marriages. If weddings made marriages, we would not need this sermon or the Song of Songs. The Song holds out for us the possibility of two sinners in a fallen world having a good marriage. The heart of the Song is a celebration not so much of a wedding but a marriage.
Up to this point in the Song the female has been the dominant voice. Here, however, at the heart of the Song, the male voice is dominant. The reason the female can feel free and safe to express her passions so powerfully on either side of the center of the Song is because of the unequivocal commitment of the male voice in the heart of the text. She, in effect, is following his lead. He set the tone and the mood of the relationship right here. He has established that marriage is about self-giving union for the joy of your mate.
3:6-11 is an odd text. It describes a very public and opulent spectacle. Some kind of a joyous procession and someone on an ornate litter is coming up from the wilderness escorted by an impressive entourage. Solomon’s name is mentioned 2 times at the beginning of the book (1:1, 5), three times, here, in the center of the book (3:7, 9, 11), and 2 times at the end of the book (8:11, 12). The placement of his name in certain places is his signature on the book and a reminder that the book is a book of wisdom.
Solomon serves as a foil in the book (c.f 3:6-11 and 8:11, 12). He serves as a contrast to the unspectacular, single-minded, committed love of the lovers in the Song. He is echoing what he has said to us in Proverbs (5:18), Rejoice in the wife of your youth., and Ecclesiastes (9:9), Enjoy life with the wife whom you love.
Wisdom in the Bible is meant to teach the reader how to live. The idolatrous, polygamous relationships of Solomon led his heart astray. His point is: don’t emulate me. Emulate the couple in the poem—their simple, monogamous, faithful, passionate love for each other.
The Song is wisdom for the single. Three times Solomon warns with the refrain, Don’t awaken love until it pleases (2:7; 3:5; 8:4). The Song is for the married. Three times Solomon upholds the joy of simple, marital commitment with the refrain, My beloved in mine, and I am his (2:16; 6:3; 7:10).
Loneliness is difficult, but waiting for marriage is wisdom. Loneliness is better than a husband or wife who doesn’t love you, build you up, encourage you, respect you, and seek to give you joy.
The Song challenges couples to love each other—to increase intimacy to sustain loving marriage and renew loveless ones. God wants you to love your wife and give yourself for her joy; He wants you to love your husband and give yourself for his joy.
3:6-11 is a celebration. This celebration is very public. There are no private marriages. Marriage is public; it is legal; it is binding; it is God-honoring. Self-giving commitments ought to be celebrated. They establish a home and good order in society. They are a basic building block of civilization. Weddings give a very public testimony to the commitment of a man and woman to each other. They are a public declaration of exclusivity and self-giving union. That doesn’t sound very romantic.
It is. Look at the text. What is that (3:6) can also be translated, Who is this? This same construction is used two other times in the book (6:10; 8:5) and is translated, Who is this. In both cases it refers to the female. In this text, perhaps, it shows the bride’s company in procession to the groom’s house for the wedding.
As the wedding party approached the city, the bride is center of attention and the groom is all smiles. In 3:11, the watching daughters of Zion are told to look upon king Solomon…on the days of the gladness of his heart. The wedding procession is public; It is joyful. Solomon in all of his glory could not have what the couple in his poem had. He watched it happen again and again in his kingdom, but he couldn’t have it. The earliest thing we read of Solomon is that he killed his brother over one of his father’s concubines. The last we read of him is that he had many wives who turned his heart from God.
The bride and groom are on display at a wedding and treated as a queen and king. The bride is even more on display than the groom. I’ve never seen, a bride standing at the altar with her best girls, and the groom marching in with his groomsmen-maids. No. The man stands at the altar watching her walk in saying, Yea, un-huh, un-huh, that’s right, she’s is mine, she is mine. Marriage establishes a little kingdom. The man is the king. The wife is the queen. They together take dominion over their passions by seeking the joy of their mate.
3:6-11 extols self-giving union as the only way to joy in relationship. It takes the opulent metaphors of 3:6-11 to capture the joy they have in each other. Sex in itself is not the goal of marriage. Self-giving union is. Joy comes from committed love. In that context, all the joys of being male and female come together and bear fruit.
Maybe you are contemplating marriage. The question you should ask yourself is not, Does this person make me happy? But, Do I want to give myself to make this person happy?
Here the man describes his love. Using metaphorical language, he highlights 7 parts of her body. He begins and ends his description of her by affirming her beauty (4:1, 7). Only in 4:7, he intensifies his affirmation a bit. He is creative. We already know that she is self-conscious about her looks (1:6; 2:1). To be on such public display does wonders to intensify self-consciousness. We have seen how he has been intentional to affirm her beauty.
One thing is certain, beauty is in the eye of the beholder. It must be true. In 1:9, he said, I compare you, my love, to a mare among Pharaoh’s chariots. That was his first attempt to build her confidence. It must have worked because the book didn’t end there. Now here he goes again using metaphors and similes to describe her eyes, hair, teeth, lips, cheeks, neck, and breasts. Emphasizing 7 aspects of her beauty gives us a clue as to why in verse 7 he said, You are altogether beautiful….
This is where culture plays into understanding the Bible. To an ancient Israelite, his metaphors evoked visions of fabulous wealth and spectacular beauty. We may not be able to see these metaphors through the eyes of an ancient Israelite, but we know what he is talking about.
Men, we might not want to use these metaphors, but, lately, some of the Song lines I have texted to my wife are 2:16 (with minor changes, I am yours and you are mine.) and 4:1a, 3a, 7. There are many other usable lines. I recommend it.
Here’s the point.
When you exult in the beauty of your mate, it makes your mate more beautiful. Literally, a woman who is exulted in becomes more beautiful day after day. Conversely, a woman who is torn down day after day begins to look the part. Men, if your wife is not more beautiful today than when you met her, it could be your fault. It is Christ’s love for the church that is making the church more beautiful and taking away her blemishes. He is changing us by the way He loves us.
Brother, if she is not more beautiful today, you may have some repenting and changing to do today.
As you build her up, your concept of beauty changes. Your idea of what is beautiful becomes what you behold and what you extol. Train your idea of beauty by the way you extol your wife. Some idea of beauty is being shoved down your throat. If you’re giving yourself to pornography and not fighting lust, you are allowing your idea of what is beautiful and erotic to be shaped by idiots.
The images of pornography and the flirtatious glances of needy women, pale in comparison to the eroticism of this man extoling the beauty of his wife. The Song re-captures from the culture and restores the meaning of sensuality and eroticism.
We make too many general statements like men are visual and women are verbal. He’s talking, and she’s listening. She talks too, and he likes it. She’s the dominant speaker in the Song. In Proverbs 5, it’s not the looks of the forbidden woman that are warned against but her words (5:1-3). Women care what their men look like. She likes how he looks, and she is going to tell him so (5:10-16). They both understand the power of words.
It’s not that men are visual and women are verbal, the truth is we are both. In this text, we have the best of both worlds, talking while seeing. Talk to your wife. Tell her how beautiful she is, and especially in moments of intimate. No wonder he is so ambitious in 4:6. He’s talked himself into overestimating his ability, but it’s the thought that counts.
Each section of the Song begins with the couple separated and ends with their union. This section is no exception. She comes up from the wilderness in 3:6. Separations, however, are more complicated than merely geographical distance. In this section, the couple must overcome what keeps them from giving themselves completely to each other. In a fallen world, this is the nature of relationships. We have to fight for self-giving union. This requires respecting the personhood your mate.
The couple is united in marriage. In verse 8, he calls her his bride. God, in the mystery of marriage, makes a man and a woman one flesh (Gen 2:24). Sexual intimacy is a physical expression of the union God establishes between a man and woman in marriage. The one flesh union of the marriage covenant is an analogy of the one Spirit union we have with Christ by faith (1Cor. 6:17).
In my union with Christ, I am not Him, and He is not me. Yet, we are united, so that what is true of Christ is true of me. In my union with my wife, I am not her, and she is not me. Yet, how feel about her and treat her reveals how I think of myself.
A man who says, I don’t love my wife, is a man who doesn’t love himself. A man who cares for himself but does not care for his wife is a contradiction. He is a dangerous man without natural affections.
Notice, then, even though she is his bride, he is calling her to abandon her distance from him and the defenses she has in place (4:8). He realizes the aim of their union is self-giving, living and loving for the other person. He expresses his desire for her by describing the effect she has on him, the beauty of her love, and sweetness of her words and kisses (4:9-11). He likens her to the Promise Land.
God joins a man and woman together. He ratifies the marriage covenant that makes a man and his wife one. We have to get to what God has made us to be. It becomes the task of the man and his wife to live out their oneness—to strive for it, fight for it, work at it. Two lives becoming one in self-giving union is the aim of marriage. This is the Promise Land of marriage. It is not a given that you are going to get there. Many couples die in the wilderness. This is much greater just being physical. Your marriage must not be less than but more than physical intimacy. Your physical abilities are going to wane. What will you have left?
Unfortunately, many married people are not givers but takers. Are you giving yourself to your mate for his or her joy? You exist for the joy of your mate. You put two takers together, and you have problems. You put one taker and one self-giver together, and you have abuse. You put two self-givers together, and you have joy.
Herein is at least one of the problems with sex outside of the self-giving union of marriage. It doesn’t get you to the Promise Land. It is not about putting the other person on public display saying to all, Who is this coming up from the wilderness? Or Go out and look upon King Solomon. It is about taking not giving. It is about self-centeredness. It is about using. It, therefore, is demeaning. It dehumanizes and objectifies the partner. Really, it is pathetic.
Adultery, fornication, and same-sex relationships are about self-interest, taking, and using. These are the opposite of self-giving that leads to joy. Much of the depression that is experienced by teenagers is directly related to sexual encounters, which can be related to deep wounds. It is sad and depressing. Listen to me. You are worth more than that. Don’t demean yourself and others.
Beginning is verse 12, the garden metaphor is introduced. The woman is a garden, an unusual garden with a fountain, an orchard, and all kinds of fruits and spices. This garden puts us in mind of Eden. She is a garden of delights. She is an exclusive garden. She is a locked garden and sealed fountain.
He is ready to give himself to her, but she has to give herself to him. He knows that, unless they are together in heart, mind, and soul, their physical union will always be lacking. He also knows that he can’t force her into a mutually fulfilling relationship. She must open her life and heart to him.
There are positives to a locked garden. Obviously, ancient Israel was not like modern world in its pursuit to cast off restraint. Her choices were chastity or prostitution. There is a time and place, however, to unlock the garden and unseal the fountain. That time and place is the self-giving union of marriage.
I am convinced that much of the promiscuity of our age is a misguided desire for self-giving union. You will never get to this with that. You will just go the opposite way. Promiscuity is a spiral downward which does not enhance but rather hinders intimacy and self-giving. Some people have been seriously wounded by painful events in their past which have led them to seek attention from males even if it is painful. Some guys have allowed peers, pornography, and a perverse culture to objectify their view of women.
What if you are not chaste? Are you damaged goods? Can you never be the first choice of a man or woman? Must you wear a scarlet letter in a world where there are no people without sexual sin? The answer is, No. Christ redeems you. Repent. Change. Run to Christ. Are you then worth loving? Yes. Listen. Anyone who will not love you doesn’t yet understand their own sin or the gospel.
The final 2 verses of this section show the lovers coming together in self-giving, other-centered union. 2 times previously the female has warned to “not awaken love” (2:7; 3:5). Now she calls for love to awaken and the wind of the north and the wind of the south to blow on her garden (4:16). Then in self-giving she calls on her lover to come to his garden, so that her garden is now his garden. In self-giving union he came to my garden, my sister, my bride. Self-giving union seeks the joy of its mate. Such union should be celebrated.
What can we do in response? Eat, friends, drink, and be drunk with love!
The illusions to Eden and Promise Land are not incidental to this text. All the pleasures of this life leave us wanting more and trying to recreate the experience. The temporary pleasures of this life lead ultimately to God. The bride is described with the language of Eden and the Promise Land. This indicates that the temporary pleasure of self-giving union points to the all-satisfying pleasure of union with Christ through faith. The images of the Garden and the Land are about the Presence of God with His people. The temple was in the Land of Promise. It was decorated like the Garden of Eden. Pleasure should lead us to God.
The self-giving union of a man and his wife is not about getting back to Eden, but rather points to the fulfillment of Eden.
The coming of Christ will be like a wedding feast. To see the beauty of Christ will transform us. The pleasure that we will experience with Him will make sexual pleasure insignificant and obsolete. The incomplete satisfaction we experience now is God’s intentional message to us that sex is not God. Marriage is not God. When we see Him, there will be neither sex nor marriage. It won’t be needed; it won’t be desired. To know God is to need nothing.
No matter what our position in this life—married or single or widowed—we will lack nothing when Jesus comes again. To be with Him is to lack nothing and need nothing.